Aging (Jara)
Today I had a 14-hour crash course about aging (jara).
My grandmother suffered a dislocation of her right arm, with slight fracture. From 8am this morning, the whole household was busy, and waiting. First waiting for the chinese physician to make a housecall, then waiting for my aunt to bring the wheelchair, then busy transporting a very delicate grandma to get an X-ray done, then waiting for X-ray report to be faxed to chinese physician; waiting for chinese physician to come back from lunch break, busy deciding what to do next; waiting at A&E for 1st doctor; waiting for second doctor, third doctor; waiting for arm to be fixed; waiting for admission procedures; waiting for nurse to bring grandma to ward; waiting for doctors to come; waiting for uncle to come visit; waiting.... and finally home. 2215hours.
What struck me most out of this 14-hour episode was the word "AGING" and its implications.
"The body cannot be a refuge. It is not dependable" - How did the dislocation happen? My grandma merely reached out her right arm to support herself to stand. "Cluck"! And she winced in pain. The arm had come out of position. There was no fall. There was no warning.
"Emotional helplessness & fear" - Within 30 minutes after the dislocation, my grandmother repeated continuously, "Old already, no use. I think I better stay in the hospital like the last time. The missy can take care of me at night. It's troublesome to go toilet, at home will bring trouble to you. Stay hospital better. I want to stay there a few days. I might fall again at home." Considering the fact that this was my grandma's second dislocation in a year, after 3 falls with blood spilt, the phobia of losing control of her body and the pain haunts her constantly.
As I sat waiting outside A&E, I was reading an article by Venerable Khemmadhammo on"responding to pain". This particular paragraph stood out for my contemplation:
"...by all means take care of your body, but reflect that whatever you do it may still be easily broken and one day it is sure to die. Of the two, a healthy mind is of much more use than a healthy body. If you're in wondrous physical shape, but your mind is disordered, you're in bad trouble. But if your body is wasted, eaten up with disease or otherwise beyond repair, and your mind is bright with wisdom, you'll be all right."
I appreciated that timely reminder, and at that moment, my eyes were tired, and I decided to act on the advice, dwelling on compassion (karuna) as an object of meditation with my grandmother in mind. I diligently kept her face in my mind, repeating 'may you be free from suffering'.... as i kept on thus, i reflected that there was nothing i could do really for her. Slowly, the image of her face gave way to her skeleton... all bent over... and for the first time, I saw that the skeleton, the bones were brittle.. they were on the edge of breaking, even at the slightest touch! They were not the solid, hard and dependable matter (rupa) that I used to discern when I focused on the skeleton within myself.
Today I learnt that even the skeleton, the hardest part of our body, what i always reflect as 'holding up' or 'framing' the body can also give way. And it can give way very easy. How fragile it was. I kept my mind focused on that set of bent over, brittle bones that represented my grandma. When I opened my eyes, I saw people with broken legs in cast being wheeled around by friends and relatives, a broken arm there... how fragile this body is! Even the hardest part is so easily fractured, broken, prone to giving way. I've always reflected on the bones as repulsive, but solid. Today, i learnt that they were also fragile.
Bones are so fragile. Life is also very fragile. Our untrained mind is also very fragile.
We cannot stop our body from aging and falling apart no matter how much exercise, balanced diet, health insurance, chanting, meditation, supplements we do and take. It happens.
But what we can do is to train our mind to accept and prepare for such a happening here and now. For me, today was a reminder that brought this teaching of aging close to my heart. I am not immune from aging. I will age. Aging spoils this body. Let it not spoil my mind. Let me use this body while it stands, let it help me cultivate while it lasts. When it decides to stop working, we've lost our vehicle for enlightenment in this life.
I never know when it will fall apart. So let me strive on diligently now, every moment towards the path of liberation. Let me have compassion and patience to others who have already come to this stage. When I look at them, i see myself. They are me.
let me develop the courage and honesty to face AGING upfront, not avoiding, not cheating myself, not thinking that i'm any exception.
This body is not dependable. It cannot be a safe refuge.
let my only refuge be with the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha.
Till the day i attain nibbana, i take firm refuge in the Triple Gems.
28 feb 2005
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