Getting off the samsara express - Prelude: The man with the light

I awoke to the perpetual darkness that resided in the train carriage. Nothing new. Sigh.

A piece of enchanting music filled the entire Samsara Express instantly. Soothing and arresting undesired moods like the one I had now. For a moment it drew me into its magnificence, the feeling of being part of its rhythmic movement, moving dramatically higher with the crescendo and landing softly when it dwindled into nothingness. In essence, it made me feel magnificent, beautiful and lasting.

When the music stopped for the Compact Disk player to change tracks, the silence gave me chance to think. And I wondered how it was that the music always came on every time, immediately after I start to think twice about the comfort of being on the Samsara Express. It was uncanny. Like there was someone who was watching me every moment, ready to pull me back into the 'lasting' bliss and satisfaction promised at the official launch of the Samsara Express. Can't even remember when that was now. It just seemed so long and beginning-less ages ago.

But when the Lobha, Dosa & Moha Universally Unlimited Holdings (LDMUU) had launched their concept of the Samsara Express, it caught the whole universe by storm. Some people were ecstatic at the thought of being the first on board this express train offering bliss and enjoyment and satisfaction for eternity, while constantly on an exhilarating run around the various realms. A great offer not to be missed, they chirped. There were the skeptics of course. They speculated whether it would turn out to be just another Titanic, the great promise of a spectacular adventure that dissolved, literally into the depths of the ocean. But most I dare say were NOT discouraged by this argument. I guess they got even more excited at the prospects of meeting Jack aka Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. IF it would be like the Titanic - only this time, on a train. What more, to get to journey with them for eternity. What a great offer!

And so, you've guessed it. Everyone wanted to get on. And I mean everyone! Even the dying man in the intensive care unit at the hospital couldn't bear to die alone. So, there's the story of how LDMUU Holdings built a temporary biodegradable railway track from the new train station to the hospital specially to pick up this dying man who was ever so grateful. Yes, that's the kind of service they provided. Together with a whole 60 carriages of hospital beds to facilitate the transfer of the entire medical service onto its trains.

LDMUU Holdings was out to market without failure. And their market was the whole of the six realms in the universe. Within days, everyone was registering themselves online. This sudden traffic on the Internet highways encouraged the birth of several new Internet Service Providers who functioned in brief for only a week, but retired, with enough money for a million weeks. And the LDMUU engineers worked their last assignment expanding the Samsara Express to fit everyone. They worked with great cheer though, for they would too enjoy eternal bliss and happiness once the Samsara Express started its virgin and eternal run.

The Public Announcement System chimed its cheerful little melody indicating an announcement coming through. The familiar voice of the morning DJ rang through.

Good Morning everyone! Welcome onboard the Samsara Express once more. Yes, you've heard this for an eternity. But hey, we're still having fun! Ha! Ha! Well, coming up are the programmes we have for you today at EnterTRAINment. In fifteen minutes, our very own talented dancers will entertain you with an exhilarating train-top tap dance. You can choose to watch from the Train-top Car OR, sit in the carriages for a different feel of tap music above your head! See you there! Come on, move it! Ha! Ha!

Sounds interesting enough, hopes no one falls off the roof. But then falling off the train may not necessarily be a bad thing. We never get enough light here to see beyond the corridors of the carriages anyway. Who knows, there may be better things out there! After being on the Samsara Express for like forever, any change could be a nice change. Oh well, I'll settle for a tap dance experience in here. Don't think I fancy getting my hair blown messy by big gusts of air up there.

Right on time, the performance started. The taps brought a hypnotic feel that seemed to paralyze yet excite my body muscles. All tensed up and sitting rod-straight, I listened enraptured. And there it came again! The familiar feeling of euphoria, Samsara Express style. It came slowly seeping in with each beat of the tap-a-tap-tap. It made me feel ecstatically happy. But somehow I had begun to feel the emptiness behind this euphoria. It almost seemed as if someone had put a beautiful garment on me and declared me spectacular. In truth, I didn't feel that way.

What was I thinking? This was precisely the kind of thought that I wanted to avoid when I got onboard the Express. The kind of sinking feeling like there was an anchor tied to your heart and it was being thrown out into the depths of the sea, pulling hard on that little, red, pumping and feeling organ. And it lurched as though out of my body now, and I felt separate. I could almost feel my mind and body siting opposite each other in the facing carriage seats. It was too real to be ignored now, and I could feel my tears coming through.

Quickly I took a few quick breaths and calmed myself for I knew the mood detector present in the carriage would likely be activated soon if I persisted in my depressive mood. And if activated, it meant a visit to the in-house psychotherapist whom in reality, I would prefer to term the clown. All he did was to make you laugh and forget, and then throw you back into the whirl of activities - of wining, dining, enjoyment and a general mindless engagement of total indulgence.

So the train continued on its journey. To nowhere, yet to everywhere.

Everyone was happy just to be on it. To be part of all the sensual engagements feasting the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and lounging the mind on layers and layers of positive moods and feelings.

I had no friends. I had lost them to the Samsara Express and its attractions not long after we got on board, and there's no way I can get them back now.

I suddenly laughed out loud as I remembered how the skeptics used to refer to the Samsara Express as another Titanic in the making. The theme song was "My heart will go on." And didn't that remind me of something here?

And yes, we were 'going on' here. And on and on. If the Samsara Express was to be de-railed today and immortalized as a movie, the theme song might well be "The Train will go on". Only that there will be no audience for this movie. The whole universe was at this moment ON the Express.

Where to? I don't know. We were just going on and on and on and on and on and on and on. As far as I remember and as far ahead in the future as I can see.

Forever? The hard reality sank in.

Heck! I raised my fists in anger and crashed them into the tough leather cushion of the opposite seat. The impact brought pain to my knuckles but my head hurt more with all this thinking.

The blood in my body surged ferociously through the arteries into the narrower veins and back again. The same cyclical route. The same unbreakable motion.

And for the first time, I felt. I felt... It's been such a long time that I couldn't allow the word to come out, but I felt....

Panic.

Where's the end of the journey? Will we ever stop? Will we ever get to see things at a stronger light intensity than that we have now? Where are we going? Where am I going? Will I know where I am going? Can I decide where I want to go? Are we moving at all? Or are we just going around in circles? For eternity? Is there really no way out? No way out? Where's the emergency stop button? Where's that trigger to stop the train motion that I always see in the movies? Where's the intercom to speak to the driver of the Samsara Express?

Heck! I want to get off but I can't find the door. There's no door!
How I wish I haven't got onto this train which had looked so enchanting with its glinting windows, rich decor and beautiful crew in service. How I wish! How I wish?

But I can only wish.

Hell, here I come. I guess. If there's anywhere we are going to on this meaningless journey. I don't really want to end up there, but that seems the most likely destination now. There are no road signs. I see no view outside the window. It's total darkness as always. Why do I always feel like there?s a never-ending stretch of tunnels that the Express is going through? It blocks out all the light.

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel? Barely possible now I suppose.

I sank hard into the deep comfort of the seat and turned on the in-built massager hoping to cajole myself into Sleep. And hopefully, when I wake up again, the familiar euphoria will occupy me completely as it had for the eternity till now.

I shut my eye lids tight and started counting tap dancers falling off the roof of the train. At the number 50 scantily dressed tap dancer screaming and falling off, my eyes caught something from beyond the tightly shut eye lids. It was something very different and yet there was a strange, old, familiar feel to it that called to me.

No. It couldn't possibly be! Light! Is that clear, white light I see?

I bolted upright and pulled my eyelids back with such force and velocity that the incoming light scorched my vulnerable pair of eyes that had not seen brightness for an eternity. It took me a while to adjust to the spin of white light that was coming through the window.

We were approaching a station! I squinted and tried to focus on the station coming into view. We slowed and I caught a glance of the station. It was bright but spartan.

A lone man sat cross-legged under a magnificent tree with symmetrically out-stretched branches.

Meanwhile, the speakers came on and there was some hushed, angry buzz of a whispered conversation in the background before the familiar cheery voice came on (he sounded less cheery now though).

Well, well, what do we have here? Just a tiny shopping stopover for everyone on our journey to nowhere?! Ha! Ha! Just joking! Hang on everyone, we'll be off as soon as the fellows up there at the controls find their glasses. Ha! Ha! Enjoy the song coming up next?

I continued to focus on the picture of the lone man sitting cross-legged under the tree. He looked like he had been there forever too, but there was a comforting feel to that type of eternity. I was completely taken over by this man I observed from a distance of about 200 meters.

Suddenly, he looked up from his meditating position and noticed me looking. He smiled warmly and parted his lips slowly, "Come and hear what I have learnt!" It seemed almost like a whisper, maybe just a wisp of air that flew in with the lazy breeze, but it reached and landed softly on my eardrums. I knew it was meant for me. His smile reached right into my heart, scooping it back up from the depths of the ocean where I had left it earlier, and I was taken over completely.

On a sudden impulse, I rose from my seat. My ex-friends came into the carriage at this moment conversing frivolously, obviously having wanted to invite me to join them for some fun. They fell into hushed silence when they saw me standing and watching the lone man earnestly. They knew.

One of them jeered,

What are you doing? There's only wilderness out there. You can get NOWHERE. Even if you get somewhere, you're going to have to walk. It's going to be a hard journey. Don't be a fool! Ha! Ha! Stay on board the Samsara Express! There is so much happiness and comfort here. Why bother to even get off?

His words threw a lasso around my erect body and I felt myself bounded again by some force, back onto the seat. Could I take the hardship? I don't even know where I wanted to go? Am I just being stupid? How do I know that it's not just a whim, an impulse of an agitated moment - that it's not something I will live to regret? It's only a man smiling to me, for goodness sake! Am I going to take the tough road to my destination (where ever I want to go to) just because of some light I hunger for and one man who beckons me? What if he does not have what I really want? I may lose all the comfort offered on the Express. It may be mindless happiness, but what if I lose that too?

I sat down slowly.

Seated, I turned and looked out the window of the Samsara Express. The man was gone from under the tree. At that instant, my heart sank. Where is he? It had given me such comfort to just gaze at his profile, which oozed comfort and a peaceful kind of joy. I scanned the barren station desperately.

There he was! He had stood up and was making his way towards the Samsara Express. He held in his hands, a lamp. It was the most beautiful lamp I had ever seen. And the flame! The bright orange flame jumped, winked, and smiled at me.

Without thinking, I reached out of the window to receive the lamp he was offering with his arms out-stretched. I was just an inch short of getting the lamp. I stretched my arm out more, so much more that my left foot was lifted half off the ground and I leant precariously, halfway out the window.

"Just a little more! Come on!" I urged myself angrily. It struck me then, how desperately I wanted the burning lamp. A little of that light. How much it meant to me when I had seen or rather had been not been 'seeing', having been in all that darkness.

The train sounded its horn. I felt the engines gearing up to move off again, sending a muffled vibration through its stainless steel body.

Walk forward and give it to me quick! Please! The train's going off!

I shouted in desperation to the man who was now smiling but not moving a step forward.

He spoke audibly now.

I do not want to get on the train again because I had just managed to alight. Why don't YOU come down too? At least I have light here. You can see where you are going. Aren't you tired now? You've always been on the fast track. You don't know where you are going.

I knew he was right. I was weary right down to my bones. All of my life that I could remember, I had traveled and sat on the Express. To where I knew not. And it was the first time that there was a chance to get down, and not move ahead blindly into the unknown.

The train sounded its horn again.

The final warning.

The last chance.

MY last chance.

The train started moving off slowly and I was spun into confusion. This was my last chance!

I looked at the man again and his arms were outreached.

"Jump!" He urged.

With a quick intake of breath, I pushed myself out the window and closed my eyes in anticipation of the hard fall.

I landed softly and felt arms envelop around me protectively. The man had caught me.

I started to cry. In relief. In happiness. And yet there was some sadness and a muted sense of loss. I had been on the Samsara Express so long now, that it seemed weird not to feel its constant rhythmic sway beneath me.

The man stood up now and started to walk.

A few steps away, he turned and spoke again.

Come now. Get up and let yourself walk the rest of the way. Follow the light I am holding.

I braced myself and quickly stood up, falling in pace behind the man I knew now will be my teacher.

As the Samsara Express turned into the next hill tunnel, its horn sounded again. I half-turned to watch its pitch-dark carriages disappearing into an even darker tunnel. I raised my arms and waved.

There are some things I will miss...

But! As I rested my eyes onto the back of my teacher moving slowly ahead, I knew. There will be new things I will learn! New things to see. More things. And I can see these clearly in my newfound 'light'!

Elated at this new prospect, I laughed out loud - in so lighthearted a manner that I surprised myself. What a change!

Come. We do not have time to waste.

"Where are we going, my teacher? May I call you that? Will you be my teacher?"

"Yes, my child. Come. Come, I shall lead the way to an excellent place. And while we're walking I will teach you."

"What is that place called, my teacher?"

Nibbana.

11 March 2000

Mon Aug 23, 2004 6:17 am MST by peifen | Email Article |

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Getting off the samsara express - Prelude: The man with the light